I took a five hour energy shot. 

BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!

I'm an energetic mother fucker to start out with. Now I'm just a fucking nightmare.

I cleaned my room. 

I have checked my email like, thirty times...

I'm running out of things to do and I really don't want to clean any more, but I could.

ugh.

Did two loads of laundry, am being UBER productive, but am tired...yet energized. wtf.

It's so confusing. 

Just for future reference...NEVER take a 5 hr energy shot at 9:30pm.

Unless you are determined to drive everyone around you crazy.

I think my family is going to kick me out tonight. I'm driving them nuts. I'm vacuuming while they're trying to sleep, but seriously? What else am I going to do, and these floors are a disaster! Ugh.

So antsy.

I don't even know what to do with myself.

I woke up today 100% too fat for existence.  I went to the gym..I worked out 20x less than I should have, and I ate a fucking calzone which had OVER 9000 times more calories than I should have eaten...ever. 

So.

I

Am

now

going

to 

die

of 

ugly.

Ana is going to kill me. 

I think I'm going to go clean some more. Maybe do the dishes.

I think I'm driving myself insane at this point.

This is going to be a long post, even though I'm not in the mood for writing.

I just have a lot to explain, and I feel it will be more impactful if written in a narrative. 

The alarm on my phone went off...a pleasant chirping noise that always startles me much more than it really should. I hop out of bed (more like clumsily stumble out of bed) and slide the little ring on the touch screen over the option to dismiss the obnoxious noise.  I unplug the phone from it's charger and trip over a pile of shoes and dirty laundry on my way out my bedroom door to the restroom. My feet touch the hardwood floor of the hallway, and I curse quietly to myself for once again forgetting to put my slippers on and now having to endure the misery of the cold floors. Unlike my bedroom, the house is astonishingly immaculate. It's one of the perks of living with your mother, who has OCD and an anxiety disorder that prevents her from taking any medications to ease the symptoms. I shut the bathroom door behind me and turn on the bath faucet, then switch it from faucet to shower-head and watch the water fall onto the ceramic floor of the tub. I use the sound of the water to hide the sound of me sliding the bathroom scale from under the cabinet out to where I can stand on it.

After emptying my bladder, I tap the scale with my foot and wait for the digital readout to reach zero.

Taking a deep breath I muster all of my courage, and step onto the white plastic. I can practically feel how heavy I am, and suddenly regret that bite of calzone I ate off of my friend's plate at dinner last night. I hold my breath as the numbers flicker.

When the number settles on 160.1 I die inside.

My heart plummets to the floor. 'There is no fucking way', I think to myself.

'I weighed like, 156 yesterday.' 

Then I remember that I did not in fact weigh myself yesterday, because the day prior I had binged and was too chicken to look at the damage I had done.  I hate myself, violently and passionately right now for having done that.

I hold my wrist to my mouth and bite down as hard as I can, until it hurts so bad that tears pour from my eyes. I gnaw at my wrist angry and completely panicking inside that I have reached 160 again. 

My arm is throbbing as I step into the shower. Hot water spills over my head and soaks my hair. It washes away the impurities of the past and leaves me with the devastation of today. 160 pounds. 

I remember when I could fast for over a week.

When I could lose thirty pounds in a month.

When I could look in the mirror and see ribs.

When I had Ana sitting on my shoulder and nobody knew. 

Now I'm stuck in this body. I'm disgusting. 

I pinch at the fat rolls on my stomach and start to cry.  I sit on the floor in the shower and pull my knees to my chest. I cry because I'm a failure. Because I'm ugly, and I can't hide it like I can hide my feelings.  

I cry because I am alone, and everybody knows my secret.

I get ready for the rest of my day.

Today was the worst day.  

Today was almost the best day too...

After downing six shots of espresso in about an hour I arrive at work, a 44oz diet soda in hand. No food for me! Not today!  

I clock in and begin my shift. All goes well, everything runs smoothly, but I'm alone a great deal of the shift because I'm working on a project by myself and everyone else is working on their own projects. Lunch time rolls around and I have been out of diet pepsi for about two hours now, and my hunger has started to increase. 

I eat lunch. 

Fuck.

I hate myself.

I am sitting in the break-room and am texting that guy who is taking me out tomorrow for dinner and ice skating. I mention that I'm really bored at work and kind of lonely. 

My break ends and I get back to work.

A few hours later...and guess who shows up to surprise me at work!?

:D

We talk for about an hour and 45 minutes (while I work of course...so working as I talk).

So overall...very good day.

Do you see how I am very conflicted with how terrible today is and how great it is? 

Then my dad asks me how my day went...(which by the way, sparked the inspiration for this post...)

and I replied.."It had it's up's and it's downs, but overall I feel satisfied with how it ended."

Of course I never told him that I still wanted to chop my stomach and thighs off with a butcher knife and that I wish I could hibernate for a couple months so I can't eat, and don't have to deal with the world. (Seriously jealous of bears right now...)

Anyway, so that was today. And now you know that I'm a fat piece of lard, and I can't fucking stand myself right now.

But I'm really into this guy! 

Hate me, loving the guy. 

That's always how it works out for me...

*sigh*

Just pointing that out.

I'm currently excited. In a big way.

This Saturday is New Years Eve.

This Saturday, is ALSO a date...with a very cute guy.

He is taking me to dinner, and ICE SKATING in an outdoor skating rink on New Years eve, as our first date!

How fucking romantic is that? 

THEN we're going to a New Years party that's hosted by one of his good friends.

I intend to get my buzz on, and pretend to be just slightly more drunk than I really am, but not too drunk that I'm no longer glamorous.

haha.

...oh how my mind works...

:p

Anyway, so that's what's new. 

I have determined that my New year's plan is to Start off the New year with a goal pound fast. (which basically is just fasting until I reach a certain goal weight.)

I will fast until I reach 145lbs

Then I will move on to the ABC diet, which will be ABC Liquid fast style.

So I will consume only liquids for the entirety of the ABC diet, but still stick to the calorie intake limits as prescribed by the diet.

On 200cal limit day, I may have 200 calories worth of soup...sugary coffee...smoothie...etc.

After that, I hope that I will have dropped into the 130's if not below 135.

(135 or below is my goal for the end of the ABC)

THEN, I will fast for another 10 pounds. 

Bringing me to aproximately 125lbs.

After that it's the ordinary ABC, solid foods included, but slowly worked up to after having been fasting and consuming only liquids for the last month and a half.

I will finish the ABC, and move directly into an UGW fast. Where I will fast until I reach my UGW of 100 pounds.

I did the calculations and it looks like I should reach my UGW between May 10th and the 26th. 

IF I slack off and binge a few times....which STILL does not excuse me, because I REALLY want to meet my UGW by my birthday in April. (the 28th). 

I think it's realistic. I can do this.

OKAY! So as of new years, I'm fasting until 145.

Wish me Luck!!